Iʿtikāf

Religious - I am not, but I am not forgetting Him. I pray. I thank Him. I ask for forgiveness. I ask help from Him.

In the 2nd week of Ramadan, a good friend of mine invited me to join her in camping. Being a home buddy, I was hesitant in the beginning as it would take 3 days and 2 nights. Nonetheless, I accepted the invitation. I was very down at that juncture, and so I realized that perhaps it would be the perfect time to talk to Allah at His house.

On the 24th of July, I packed up my stuffs and headed to the mosque in Umalhamam. I honestly had no idea about the setup, the process, or even its essence. I went there with the good intention up my sleeve - repentance & guidance.

My first night was not that happy, maybe because I was so ignorant and a bit culture-shocked.

When the night fell, the whole mosque became thronged. That night was believed to be the special night where Allah would shower all his blessings to the people inside His home. Hence, many people entered the mosque to do the Tarawih. I may say it was the most amazing prayer I've ever made. The place was crowded that made it hard for me to perform sallah. But I did not care! I prayed with all my heart. It was the first time I felt God is just beside me, embracing me. I cried so hard as I asked forgiveness from Him for all the sins I have committed. Unexpectedly, I started to hear other whining voices, not just mine. Then suddenly, I heard the muezzin whined as he recited prayer. I believe they also felt God's presence.

The entire second day was spent praying and reading religious books. I was so happy to finish a book. You see, I never gave reading books a go. This was the first time!

I returned home on the 26th. Having taken my clothes off, I saw bruises on my both knees. They became a bit darker. But I kid you not, those bruises made me feel proud of myself. It's an accomplishment; a lot of first times and realizations. The best realization I had is the equality inside the mosque. All women are draped with simple clothes, with no makeup and studs. Everyone shares what she has. They talk to and assist each other. You would not perceive who the wealthy ones and simple ones are. No one dominates. You might be sitting beside a person with a royal blood thou.

No words could perfectly explain this experience. At the moment, I believe my repentance has been accepted by God. He did not just fix my heart. He fixed my entire soul.

And you know what, I just discovered that I'tikaf is a retreat. I have always wanted to go on a retreat. Unpremeditatedly, I had.