Dispirited

(This is a page/place where I muse with honesty. Open-minded people (especially those who love to read) would give advices. Bigoted people would surely hate.)

"I am never rich, but I am one of the cream of the crop", I must say the best words that could describe the OLD ME. Never did I hope to be the best among the rest; I just wanted to be one of the best. Never did I impress people; I just showed them what I got when needed.

Back in high school, I was very determined to do well in everything I do. But neither surpassing others' achievements nor overshadowing fellows was my intention. I only wanted to excel. However, I unconsciously set and perpetuated my standards a tad higher. I was a consistent honor student and student leader. I performed in every school program. I was the school muse for every interschool competition. Funny to say, I had the same measures for other inessential things; such as the idea of a cheerleader is for a varsity jock SLASH captain ball; or it could be having a boyfriend who is a campus crush because he is a band member; very likely we would be the prom king and queen of the night. This went on up to the time of college.

Now, why do I say this? Bragging is not in my mind. I am trying to discover a resolution for the depression and frustration I've been carrying for almost a year. A year after graduation, I made decisions with bad timing and I also committed mistakes. And so, life has been painfully challenging me. I am jobless, I have not achieved my goals yet, my dreams have not come true, and I lost 2 beautiful relationships. All of this made me feel so down. Imagine this. I was an honor student and now, I am unemployed. I was adored by people and now, some disapprove of me because of my past relationship and the way I dress. That hurts though. I was treated like a queen by suitors and now, I feel like I am not good enough for anyone. I used to represent school or even a municipality/city and now, I feel useless like no one needs me. My self-esteem is gone. I feel lost that sometimes I do not enjoy life. Setting standards does not exist as I am feeling low. These thoughts and emotions are dragging me right into the chasm of self-pity where one negative thing will draw many more other negative things to it.

I fully understand that a man cannot have the lime light forever. Life has its ups and downs. One cannot be on top every single day. Remember I never wanted a spotlight; I just wanted to do well in everything I do. Where is that determination I used to have? I can no longer see it.

I avow, it's my fault. Hence, I need to pick myself up. I have to redeem myself. I hope and pray that one day, I will be able to tilt my head up again.