Halt For A While

All eyes on me as I dramatically walk along the entire perimeter of the runway. I am draped with a stunning dress and feet are covered with splendid stilletos. Crowd applauds. I feel like a queen being hailed by  stalwarts with joy. Cameras flash as I gracefully strike fashionable poses. Photographers look for the best angle. I do different facial expressions and play with my hands and body. I feel like a heavenly goddess being worshiped by human. Runway, make-up, clothes, shoes, photographers, audience, crown, sash, and more! I am no beauty queen nor a supermodel but I used to love these things.

I was a shy girl when I was a kid. Confidence was not seen in me. I was afraid of standing on stage in front of many people. Fast heart beat, I was getting this every time. However, through my family's help, I was able to conquer this fear. They boosted my self-esteem. From there, I embarked on joining different pageants and fashion shows. Until it became a passion.

I won't lie. I grabbed most of the opportunities that came due to my enthusiasm for it. And thanks be to God, I never failed. Well, it doesn't mean I went home with a trophy each time I joined a contest. I won. I lost. But losing is not equivalent to failure. It only means the trophy was not for me. I would consider myself a failure if I did not give my hundred and one percent. I am proud to say, I succeeded in my endeavor and consider myself an achiever.

My age is 20. I am still young and may encounter huge opportunities. However, there was this day when I realized... I am not into this anymore. I've been receiving invitations to join pageants and for photoshoots, but I keep on declining. Slothfulness kicks my butt whenever I receive invitation. Lazy me! Haha! So, I guess I'm gonna halt for a while. Perhaps I will get back to the glare after 2 years for I still have one dream which I haven't achieved yet. I will achieve that with Almighty God's guidance. Watch out for it! :)

Friend VS. Gilfriend/Boyfriend

Bukod sa pamilya, may dalawang taong napakaimportante rin sa ating buhay. Sila ay: si kaibigan at si ka-ibigan. Napakaraming pagkakaparehas ng dalawang ito. Bukod sa parehas ang spelling ng dalawa, may pagkakahawig din sa job description.

Ang kaibigan at ka-ibigan ay parehas nandiyan sa tabi mo palagi. 24 hours silang nandiyan. Kahit hindi mo sila katabi, isang tawag lang o text, darating agad sila. Kapag oras ng kasiyahan, hindi sila nagpapahuli. Pwedeng kasama mo sila mag-shopping, gumimik, maglakwacha, o mag-inuman. Minsan nga kasama mo pa sila sa kalokohan.

Kung kasama mo sila sa panahon ng kasiyahan, syempre mas lalung andiyan sila pag malungkot ka. Si friend at si boyfriend/girlfriend ay willing pakinggan lahat ng hinaing at problema mo. Pwede ka sumandal sa balikat nila para umiyak at gawing tissue ang kanilang damit. Minsan nga sila pa nagiging stress reliever mo. Kapag naman may nang-away sa iyo, para silang sundalong sumusugod kahit anong oras. Tiyak na pagtatanggol ka.

Dami nilang pagkakaparehas, 'di ba? Halos magkaparehas na talaga. Kaya hindi nakakapagtaka na ang isang kaibigan ay maging ka-ibigan mo sa huli. At si boyfie/girlfie naman, isa rin naman siyang kaibigan o bestfriend. Marami mang pagkakaparehas, meron din mga kotexto na magkaiba ang dalawa. May mga bagay na hindi kayang ibigay ni kaibigan pero kaya ni ka-ibigan at may nagagawa si ka-ibigan sa iyo na hindi kayang magawa ni kaibigan. Ano nga ba mga ito?

Lahat ng ibinibigay ng isang friend ay maibibigay ng isang boyfriend/girlfriend, bukod sa natatanging bagay. Ito ay ang KILIG. Tama ako, hindi ba? Kaya ka bang pakiligin ng kaibigan mo? Hindi naman, 'di ba? Pero si boyfie/girlfie, kayang-kaya kang bigyan ng paru-paro sa tiyan.

Samantala, kahit gaano kagaling sa pagpapakilig ang isang boyfie/girlfie, mas lamang parin ang isang friend. Bakit? Kapag ang boyfriend/girlfriend ay nambabae/nanlalake, sobrang masasaktan ka. Pero kapag ang ang friend mo ang gumawa, kahit landiin pa niya lahat ng tao, hinding-hindi ka masasaktan. At ang resulta... Maaari kang iwanan o pagpalit ng ka-ibigan mo, pero ang isang kaibigan? Hinding hindi ka iiwan o ipagpapalit sa iba. Iwanan ka na lahat ng mga babae/lalake at mga naging karelasyon mo, pero ang kaibigan nanatili pa rin sa tabi mo.

P.S. Hindi ko nilalahat ang mga babae at lalaki. May mga kilala akong mababait. At hindi ko rin kwento ito. Ito ay base sa aking obserbasyon lamang. :)

Over

She waited and waited and waited. He will never change. She gave up.

The ball game is OVER.
***

A Hell of a Lot of Tears

It's highly embarrassing that I cry easily over anything. I kid you not. I've been like this ever since I was a kid. When I watch a sad movie, I cry. When I witness a touching scene in person, I cry. And of course, when I part ways with people, whether close to me or not, I cry. Happy thoughts and sad thoughts, whether it be shallow or deep, can make me cry. There are times that I control myself from crying and do not allow my emotion be released 'coz I find it such a shame. But I fail.

This morning, we had our practicum graduation. Take note, a PRACTICUM graduation only. They showed a certain video presentation containing pictures of my Mass Communcation classmates. It triggered some emotions in me and tears began to tremble. And when "Thank You" and "Farewell" songs were played in the background, this time I cried a hell of a lot. My classmates were poking fun at me. Haha! I know the reason behind those tears. It is the fact that I am gonna miss these people whom I spent my college life with in CEU.

I wonder why I am moved easily... Suffering from depression is not the answer for felicity and contentment are in my heart. My blessed life is a proof.

Why am I this way?

Here are some pictures taken during and after the ceremony: (Forgive me for showing the grossest face I've ever had. Just wanna show evidences. Haha!)

Double Chin!

Dear Heart,

Jan.-Feb. 2012

Dear Heart,

Hi! I won't ask how you are because I know you are not fine. I know you are aching right now. Years ago, you were veiled by rainbow because you were taken care by a good hand. A good hand that caressed you all the time. A good hand that never dared to cut any of your venules and veins. And a good hand that dubitably turned out to be a stone in the end.

You are wounded. Various hands want to fix you, but you refuse. I understand how it is hard to let go. So I'm sorry for the heartaches. Continue beating but please forget. You deserve to be free and happy.

Fondly,

Hazinna


*******************************

March 2012

Dear Heart,

Hi! How are you? I felt and heard you are better now, aren't you? You have not completely let go yet. I thank numbness because you feel no more ache. I thank those friendly hands because they buoy you up and make you forget a stone.

Keep on building up your tail, until you fly and become free like a balloon. Good luck!


Fondly,
Hazinna

10 Things That Turn Me Off

"NO ONE IS PERFECT" - Yes, is everyone's mantra. But whether you spill out your guts or not, there are still things about our opposite sex that annoy us. Sometimes, we don't even understand why it is a peeve in our eyes.

A year ago, I managed to list down 10 simple things about men that TURN ME ON. Click this link to find out: "10 Simple Things That Turn Me On". And now, it's the other extreme. Lemme talk about things that TURN ME OFF. This is more appropriate for an unknown or a guy friend, not for a beau/husband. (in no particular order)

1.) Swollen Head - Oh, you have a BMW ride and live in a mansion? Oh, you already had 25 girlfriends? Oh really?! You talk a big talk that no one cares about. Boys who brag too much do not deserve to be admired by women. I believe, everyone agrees here.

2.) Jeje-guy / Over-decorator - "Eow phoez! 4nu phoez 6awah m0eh?" When in the world did it happen that number 4 became letter A? So do number 6 and letter G? Also, I couldn't see the point of typing messages with so many inappropriate punctuation marks or ill-fitted symbols. Smiley faces/emoticons are enough. It is fine when you suck at grammar, coz I myself make mistakes too. But to type this way "What @re y0u doing?., I am waTch!ng TV right now., How about you?,."... OMG! What is that for? Why do period, question mark, and comma have to be together in a single sentence? I won't lie. I was A BIT like that when I was in late grade school 'til early high school years. But as I was getting older, I realized its unpleasingness. To those men, particularly those who are in college or working especially professionals, writing this way won't make you look cute. You won't be able to hear "yes" from your target. I promise! It's not about being formal or informal. Probably because I am a Mass Communication practitioner and learned that proper construction of sentence is very essential. Moreover, when a man creates message CORRECTLY, I find him smart.

3.) Planking Plankers - Please forgive me for this. Tons of plankers are ubiquitous, I know that. I have nothing against plankers, alrightie? If they want to plank all day, so be it. Boys who plank are not just appealing to me. I see it not cool at all. Neither do I see the essence of the action itself. But I hope, they would not execute it in risky places/platform.

4.) Confession of an EX-BF - When an impertinent guy hangs with his buddies and booze all night long, he tends to enumerate his ex-girlfriends and even narrate the deed they did. I feel sorry for those girls who are blinded by love they feel towards jerks as this. This guy goes to division of impolite schmucks. It is a clear manifestation that they do not know how to respect their mothers and sisters too.

5.) The Big Mouth - A normal boy curses. However, there are numbers of men who love attaching swearwords with EACH sentence they say and assailing others with four-letter word. I admire men who don't utter bad word in front of women, especially of their mothers and girlfriends.

6.) The Useless Hands - A lady bringing heavy bags walking in front of men. Men seem to be blind as if they don't eye the lady having a hard time carrying. A granny rides a bus with no seats available. She stands during the whole trip because no boys sincerely offer theirs. Despicable you. Turn off!

7.) Walking Freedom Wall - Tattoo here. Tattoo there. Here and there and all over the body! Yeah, I get the point of expressing oneself through tattoos and respect it. There are boys with tattoo who look so hot. But I beg you, don't be over-tattooed. If so, better ink your face too, be the first living freedom wall, and get vanished afterwards.

8.) Mr. Exploding Muscles - I really don't have an eye for macho men. I feel scared whenever I encounter someone with big muscles. They seem like joining a body building competition every time. Cutie patootie muscles are fine. Remember, not all machos are hot. Look at John Lloyd Cruz, he's sort of chubby yet most girls find him hot. It's all about the charm and confidence. :))

9.) Maniac Madness - I totally despise men who discourteously whistle to a girl walking along the street or who view a girl's Facebook wall with a picture showing her cleavage and add her on their friends list RIGHT AWAY. Or those men whose friends on FB are 90% girls wearing bikinis. If you PERSONALLY know her, we forgive you. But if your intention is only to see more pictures of her flaunting flesh... Dude, you must be a nutter. You gotta go back to your mom and be taught about good manners and right conduct. Better yet, get inside your mom's womb and never come out.

10.) "Try to take a shower" - Who would not fall for a guy who smells good and is neat-looking? Now, if you aren't that type of guy, you are welcome to our bathroom. Additionally, guys whose nails or ears are unclean have no room inside girls' hearts. Nuff said.

Sorry if you do find me egotistical and rude in this blog. I'm sorry. I just share my thoughts and express myself. This blog page is my freedom wall. Hence, I write all things flashing in my mind like lightning. You may leave this page if you wish to. But those who appreciate it, thank you! =)

I'm sure you guys have something to share about things that turn you off, whether it be shallow or odd.

No Suitors. Not This Time.

"May mga nanliligaw sa'yo?" and "Siguro maraming nanliligaw sa'yo." - I've been hearing these two inquiries from various people and I consistently give them one word as a response, "None". They just render me are-you-kidding-me look. They do not believe me, followed by different funny reactions and opinions.

Grateful is how I feel towards people who care to ask because I feel they personally care for me. I prefer to be asked rather than be mobbed by with issues. But let me composedly give a small clarification to what people assume about me. :)

NO SUITORS. I am being honest here. I have none. Years had passed and I only gave permission for wooing to one man, that was my then-boyfriend. After the break-up, I did not entertain others anymore. It is not because I'm completely stuck in my past. A couple of wise reasons are in my mind.

Others say, a man would not have the courage to confess his admiration of me because he thinks highly of me and that I am superior. He might anticipate I would just dump him because of my high standards in men. I don't understand what they mean by that. Neither don't I see myself superior nor picky, not even fastidious. I ain't perfect, nor beautiful enough to be airy and be on my high horse. Perhaps, I just keep my guard up. However, as I often affirm, I am a commoner. The real reason behind hesitation to entertain suitors is I am not ready yet. Yes, this may be the most cliché excuse a girl would say. If you don't want an overused one, I might as well say "I am lazy to entertain".

Coming from a long-term relationship affects a person socially. In my case, there is this feeling that I don't wanna start from scratch, not that I haven't forgotten my past yet. It's just that I am lazy to know everything about the person, particularly the pre-friendship questions. For instance, "what is your name", "how old are you", "where do you live", "how many siblings do you have", and the like. I don't want to get back to ZERO. I mean, NOT THIS TIME... not now... Well, to be honest, I tried to make friends with few. But I am a "flash in the pan". I talk to them for a few days and end up cutting the communication. When laziness strikes me, I stop no matter how fun-to-be-with and interesting the guy is. And as soon as I notice or feel the guy starts hitting on me, I place barricade between us.

This setup is like business. You were able to establish a huge earning business, then it suddenly flopped. Of course, it would take time for you to construct business anew and enter into a small one. Superior, I ain't. Ordinary person I am and not a superstar. High standards in men, I don't have. No one's perfect. Sweet, smart, and loyal person is what I look for. But again, not now. Haha! Eventually, I'll be ready to date someone else... in God's perfect time. =)

If you will be my next beau, please wait patiently 'til I'm ready then take me to the shore for I want to see the sunset with you. ❤❤❤