Why do I conceal my genuine feelings in front of a mortal's eye?
I am a very communicative person but I am not articulate. Or perhaps I intentionally communicate inarticulately, especially when it is about intimate issues. I unduly express myself when I am happy. I can let the whole world know how ecstatic I am. But when things get pretty complex, I shut my mouth.
Often do I crack jokes, even if I carry a heavy heart. I can turn up the corners of my mouth even though something pinches me inside. I believe this is the easiest thing to do. It is simpler than ranting about problems. I use fewer muscles when I laugh than when I sob. But do you know what the main reason is? I do not want to let people know my weaknesses. If I unveil my true emotions, they sure will.
The problem is I am vulnerable. Yes, you would see my crying over random stuffs. But you would never hear me talk about it, especially when it concerns the person I am with. I have a feeling that he would take advantage of my weakness once he has learned about it.
Insincerity? Hypocrisy? Yes, I may have these. But please, just let me. This is where I find comfort. This is where I feel safe.
Let me smile before your very eyes and let me frown underneath.
May bagong movie ngayon ang Star Cinema... "Bakit Hindi Ka Crush ng Crush mo?" na isunulat ni Ramon Bautista at isinapelikula nina Kim Chui at Xian Lim.
Hindi ako mahilig manood ng mga ganitong pelikula. Pero dahil uso... Oo na! Makikiuso ako. Napaisip din naman kasi ako kung anong isasagot ko kapag ako ang tinanong ng ganun.
Gaya halos ng mga subjective posts ko, ibabase ko 'yung sagot ko sa experience ko.
*Highschool
Second year high school ako noong may isang lalaking nag-transfer mula sa kabilang school. Gwapo at maporma, kaya ayun... Naging campus crush! Akala ko noon, crush ko lang siya kasi bagong salta, bagong mukha. Naging third year high school ako, ganun parin. Ang matindi pa, nagka-dalawang girlfriends na siya sa school, pero hinahangaan ko pa rin siya. Hindi ko alam kung bakit siya, samantalang, may iba naman diyan na BAKA may crush din sa akin. Tinatanong ko sarili ko, "Bakit crush ko 'yung taong hindi naman ako crush"? Napaka-magical ng feeling na wala naman siyang ginagawa pero napapakilig niya ako. Ultimong mapunta lang sa akin yung papel niya kapag sinabi na ng teacher na "exchange paper", tumatalon na agad puso ko. Pakiramdam ko soulmate na kami. Ang pinkamasyang nangyari sa akin noon ay sa gabi ng JS Prom. Kami kasi 'yung itinanghal na Mr. & Ms. Junior. Nainis pa nga ako noon kasi dapat magsasayaw mga nanalong partners ng romantic dance. Ganun naman talaga, 'di ba? Ewan ko ba sa mga organizers ng event kung bakit walang ganoon. Pagkakataon ko na 'yun eh!
Eto 'yung mga naisip kong dahilan noon bakit hindi niya ako naging crush (kahit sa mga panahong single kami parehas):
Maarte ako
Sungki ngipin ko (maganda ngipin niya e)
Maingay ako
Sobrang payat ko
Pangit ako
*College
Campus heartthrob siya. In short, isa lang ako sa napakaraming humahanga sa kanya. Mutual friends kaya nagkakasama kami. Naging madalas yung pagsasama dahil sa isang event na pinaghandaan namin, pero syempre may mga kasama kami. Eto yung paghangang hindi ko na kinwestyon kung crush niya ba ako o bakit hindi niya ako crush. Kumbaga, hindi ko na nagawang isipin kasi may jowa ako noon. Simpleng diretsong literal na paghanga lang. Pero kung siguro babalikan ko para malaman ko man kung bakit hindi ako crush ni college crush, eto 'yung sagot ko:
May jowa ako
'Di siya maka-get over sa ex niya.
Maarte ako
Parang bading ako kumilos at magsalita
Pangit ako
Pagkatapos kong i-enumerate 'yung mga naiisip kong dahilan nang hindi pagkahanga sa akin ng crush ko, naisip ko... Saklap pala! Nagkakaroon tayo ng mga insercurities na hindi naman dapat, gaya na lamang ng pag-isip na baka pangit tayo. Sigurado ako, hindi lang ako nakaisip no'n. Aminin!
Pero minsan 'yung mga dahilan na 'yon, katas lamang ng pagiging praning. Kagaya na lamang ng high school crush ko. After graduation, napagkwentuhan lang namin 'yung mga bagay-bagay. Nag-reminisce! Naikwento ko nga na hinahangaan ko siya non pati natanong ko rin kung bakit hindi man lang niya ko napansin noon. Eto ang sabi niya, "Napapansin kita noon. Sobrang pansin. Nag-aaral pa ko sa ibang school, nakikita na kita sa mga interschool events. Crush kita. Hindi lang ako umaasa na papansinin mo ko. Siyempre nakaka-intimidate... Nakakahiya!"
Sabihin na nating case-BY-case basis, pero ang bottomline doon... Napapakilig ka ni crush! Wala naman siyang ginagawa pero napapasaya niya puso mo.
I am not addicted to wheels. Neither do I fall to a hard-core group of people who fork out large moolah to pimp their rides. As long as I sit on a pink seat, then my hands are ready to put the stick shift in motion.
I am residing in a patriarchal middle east country that does not allow women to drive. It is ridiculously frustrating to know that I cannot drive in a place where owning a car and filling up a gas tank is easy-peasy. Saudi Arabia, it is! But do not misunderstand me. Driving ban rule for women is not a plight I could consider, thus, I wholeheartedly respect Shura Council. I just miss driving! I miss my pink car! I miss my itinerary!
I received my personal car and learned to drive at the age of 17. I still remember how my back and leg muscles tautened as I drove along the street of Grand Royale Village. I was accompanied by my uncle during my first 6 months of driving. Subsequently, my parents allowed me to drive my car single-handedly. And this was the start of my long list of travel itinerary swaying.
Many places were visited. If I had been allowed to go to far places by my parents, I might have driven to Ilocos. The farthest place I got to drive to was Baguio, but I shared the driving. The longest drive where I personally drove the whole way was from Pampanga to Tagaytay (north to south).
Talk about accidents, fortunate me encountered none. Well, I nearly had some. The most unforgettable one was when I got angry with my then boyfriend and tried to escape. I drove my car as fast as I could. He chased me using his. Race, it was! Hell yeah! I was a better driver than him. Unfortunately, he was unable to run down me because he slammed into a stone barricade. My emotions went from anger to guilt the moment I learned about it. I was very thankful that he did not get hurt. Yes, I could be that stupid. [insert sad face here] Talk about damage, he spent a lot for the repair.
Car is fun to be ridden when you are with nice people and a cool music playing in the background. If I would switch it to radio FM... Magic 89.9's "Boys Night Out" and "Good Times" could crack me.
What I really do miss about having a personal car is... I could flee whenever stress, depression, and shiznit emerge. Each time this would happen, I would grab my key and eventually would find myself going on a road trip with a seemingly non-existing destination. I dunno! I feel relieved doing such. And 4 days ago, I badly needed my pinkie car. Something happened that hopelessness suddenly struck me. I got no car here. I thought of getting a taxi to go anywhere, but this place is in peril, so I did not.
I find driving magical. I drive without knowing I create an experience out of it. Driving takes me to various places and unpremeditatedly spawns a journey.
By the way, me likey to learn how to drift. Who can teach me?
