Dear Heart,

Jan.-Feb. 2012

Dear Heart,

Hi! I won't ask how you are because I know you are not fine. I know you are aching right now. Years ago, you were veiled by rainbow because you were taken care by a good hand. A good hand that caressed you all the time. A good hand that never dared to cut any of your venules and veins. And a good hand that dubitably turned out to be a stone in the end.

You are wounded. Various hands want to fix you, but you refuse. I understand how it is hard to let go. So I'm sorry for the heartaches. Continue beating but please forget. You deserve to be free and happy.

Fondly,

Hazinna


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March 2012

Dear Heart,

Hi! How are you? I felt and heard you are better now, aren't you? You have not completely let go yet. I thank numbness because you feel no more ache. I thank those friendly hands because they buoy you up and make you forget a stone.

Keep on building up your tail, until you fly and become free like a balloon. Good luck!


Fondly,
Hazinna

10 Things That Turn Me Off

"NO ONE IS PERFECT" - Yes, is everyone's mantra. But whether you spill out your guts or not, there are still things about our opposite sex that annoy us. Sometimes, we don't even understand why it is a peeve in our eyes.

A year ago, I managed to list down 10 simple things about men that TURN ME ON. Click this link to find out: "10 Simple Things That Turn Me On". And now, it's the other extreme. Lemme talk about things that TURN ME OFF. This is more appropriate for an unknown or a guy friend, not for a beau/husband. (in no particular order)

1.) Swollen Head - Oh, you have a BMW ride and live in a mansion? Oh, you already had 25 girlfriends? Oh really?! You talk a big talk that no one cares about. Boys who brag too much do not deserve to be admired by women. I believe, everyone agrees here.

2.) Jeje-guy / Over-decorator - "Eow phoez! 4nu phoez 6awah m0eh?" When in the world did it happen that number 4 became letter A? So do number 6 and letter G? Also, I couldn't see the point of typing messages with so many inappropriate punctuation marks or ill-fitted symbols. Smiley faces/emoticons are enough. It is fine when you suck at grammar, coz I myself make mistakes too. But to type this way "What @re y0u doing?., I am waTch!ng TV right now., How about you?,."... OMG! What is that for? Why do period, question mark, and comma have to be together in a single sentence? I won't lie. I was A BIT like that when I was in late grade school 'til early high school years. But as I was getting older, I realized its unpleasingness. To those men, particularly those who are in college or working especially professionals, writing this way won't make you look cute. You won't be able to hear "yes" from your target. I promise! It's not about being formal or informal. Probably because I am a Mass Communication practitioner and learned that proper construction of sentence is very essential. Moreover, when a man creates message CORRECTLY, I find him smart.

3.) Planking Plankers - Please forgive me for this. Tons of plankers are ubiquitous, I know that. I have nothing against plankers, alrightie? If they want to plank all day, so be it. Boys who plank are not just appealing to me. I see it not cool at all. Neither do I see the essence of the action itself. But I hope, they would not execute it in risky places/platform.

4.) Confession of an EX-BF - When an impertinent guy hangs with his buddies and booze all night long, he tends to enumerate his ex-girlfriends and even narrate the deed they did. I feel sorry for those girls who are blinded by love they feel towards jerks as this. This guy goes to division of impolite schmucks. It is a clear manifestation that they do not know how to respect their mothers and sisters too.

5.) The Big Mouth - A normal boy curses. However, there are numbers of men who love attaching swearwords with EACH sentence they say and assailing others with four-letter word. I admire men who don't utter bad word in front of women, especially of their mothers and girlfriends.

6.) The Useless Hands - A lady bringing heavy bags walking in front of men. Men seem to be blind as if they don't eye the lady having a hard time carrying. A granny rides a bus with no seats available. She stands during the whole trip because no boys sincerely offer theirs. Despicable you. Turn off!

7.) Walking Freedom Wall - Tattoo here. Tattoo there. Here and there and all over the body! Yeah, I get the point of expressing oneself through tattoos and respect it. There are boys with tattoo who look so hot. But I beg you, don't be over-tattooed. If so, better ink your face too, be the first living freedom wall, and get vanished afterwards.

8.) Mr. Exploding Muscles - I really don't have an eye for macho men. I feel scared whenever I encounter someone with big muscles. They seem like joining a body building competition every time. Cutie patootie muscles are fine. Remember, not all machos are hot. Look at John Lloyd Cruz, he's sort of chubby yet most girls find him hot. It's all about the charm and confidence. :))

9.) Maniac Madness - I totally despise men who discourteously whistle to a girl walking along the street or who view a girl's Facebook wall with a picture showing her cleavage and add her on their friends list RIGHT AWAY. Or those men whose friends on FB are 90% girls wearing bikinis. If you PERSONALLY know her, we forgive you. But if your intention is only to see more pictures of her flaunting flesh... Dude, you must be a nutter. You gotta go back to your mom and be taught about good manners and right conduct. Better yet, get inside your mom's womb and never come out.

10.) "Try to take a shower" - Who would not fall for a guy who smells good and is neat-looking? Now, if you aren't that type of guy, you are welcome to our bathroom. Additionally, guys whose nails or ears are unclean have no room inside girls' hearts. Nuff said.

Sorry if you do find me egotistical and rude in this blog. I'm sorry. I just share my thoughts and express myself. This blog page is my freedom wall. Hence, I write all things flashing in my mind like lightning. You may leave this page if you wish to. But those who appreciate it, thank you! =)

I'm sure you guys have something to share about things that turn you off, whether it be shallow or odd.

No Suitors. Not This Time.

"May mga nanliligaw sa'yo?" and "Siguro maraming nanliligaw sa'yo." - I've been hearing these two inquiries from various people and I consistently give them one word as a response, "None". They just render me are-you-kidding-me look. They do not believe me, followed by different funny reactions and opinions.

Grateful is how I feel towards people who care to ask because I feel they personally care for me. I prefer to be asked rather than be mobbed by with issues. But let me composedly give a small clarification to what people assume about me. :)

NO SUITORS. I am being honest here. I have none. Years had passed and I only gave permission for wooing to one man, that was my then-boyfriend. After the break-up, I did not entertain others anymore. It is not because I'm completely stuck in my past. A couple of wise reasons are in my mind.

Others say, a man would not have the courage to confess his admiration of me because he thinks highly of me and that I am superior. He might anticipate I would just dump him because of my high standards in men. I don't understand what they mean by that. Neither don't I see myself superior nor picky, not even fastidious. I ain't perfect, nor beautiful enough to be airy and be on my high horse. Perhaps, I just keep my guard up. However, as I often affirm, I am a commoner. The real reason behind hesitation to entertain suitors is I am not ready yet. Yes, this may be the most cliché excuse a girl would say. If you don't want an overused one, I might as well say "I am lazy to entertain".

Coming from a long-term relationship affects a person socially. In my case, there is this feeling that I don't wanna start from scratch, not that I haven't forgotten my past yet. It's just that I am lazy to know everything about the person, particularly the pre-friendship questions. For instance, "what is your name", "how old are you", "where do you live", "how many siblings do you have", and the like. I don't want to get back to ZERO. I mean, NOT THIS TIME... not now... Well, to be honest, I tried to make friends with few. But I am a "flash in the pan". I talk to them for a few days and end up cutting the communication. When laziness strikes me, I stop no matter how fun-to-be-with and interesting the guy is. And as soon as I notice or feel the guy starts hitting on me, I place barricade between us.

This setup is like business. You were able to establish a huge earning business, then it suddenly flopped. Of course, it would take time for you to construct business anew and enter into a small one. Superior, I ain't. Ordinary person I am and not a superstar. High standards in men, I don't have. No one's perfect. Sweet, smart, and loyal person is what I look for. But again, not now. Haha! Eventually, I'll be ready to date someone else... in God's perfect time. =)

If you will be my next beau, please wait patiently 'til I'm ready then take me to the shore for I want to see the sunset with you. ❤❤❤

Quick!

Support, you had it. Motivation, you got it. Love, you felt it. Care, you relished it.

What in the world are you doing to yourself? Where in the world did you get the idea of despondency? Why in the world do you act that way?

My support was in every good step. When you fell, I helped you to be on your feet.

I walked with you along the crooked path. When I saw you entering a rough side, I stopped you and reminded you.

Your life has purpose, has meaning, and has aim, but you put it in no direction.

I had done all. You never took my words. You never acted upon. I'm dead on my own feet. Now, live on your own feet. Alone.

Don't run to me only to blame things upon me, for I would not attend to that. Run to me when you are ready to say "I have changed. Let's start all over again."

Run quick. Real quick. For the end is approaching...

***

The Guy With Pink Shoelace

My eyes were looking from afar as I was sitting on a banquette. On the spur of the moment, one guy passed before me. He wore an all black getup; black trouser, black shirt, black cap, and black pair of shoes. He got manly fragrant scent. He turned his head and looked back at me. He was good-looking and that made my aura twinkle. The question popped, "Who is this guy?"

My eyes followed him. He confidently walked towards a group of men carrying guitars and microphone. He sat down at a drumset. They played music that was loathsome to my soft ears. But the crowd went wild. Boys were headbanging whereas girls were shouting and enjoying. The place was populous, yet the drummer remained within my sight. He seemed like a guy, who was born with a wooden drumstick in his mouth, sat on his favorite chair during that exceptional moment. He played the musical instrument real good. After they presented, I saw him walking somewhere... No! In my direction! As he came close to me, I felt my heart beat faster. "You're Hazzie, right?", he asked. I nodded. "I'm Ezekiel! You look cute.", he praised me. I slowly bowed down my head to hide my smiling and blushing face, then saw pink laces on his chuck taylor. I whispered, "Why so cute?".

Next days were electrifying. I got to know him better. Ezekiel was not just a music lover who plays drums, guitar, keyboard, and violin, he was into sports too. A varsity jock, this best described him. He showed hyper moves on the court that every girl would definitely scream for. He was into these but he never forsook studies. No wonder, numerous admirers he had. But according to him, I was the only girl who caught his heart. I couldn't help but ask him, "Are you this sweet?"

Ezekiel and I enjoyed each other's company.  My heart jumped with joy whenever time was spent with him. He loved surprising me with romantic stuff and surprises were never in vain because all took my breath away. He perpetually claimed that I was his princess and he treated me like. No one would get even to the efforts he exerted. Infidelity had no room for us. I was thinking, "Where will this lead to?"

Days went by and things became serious. Future plans were made. We went along with each other to the extent that I discovered his strength and inhibition and learn things we both couldn't agree to and dispute we couldn't settle. Until I found out, Ezekiel was a big liar. He had me at his cute pink shoelace, and now I want to tie the pink lace around his neck. May I ask, "Why such a big liar?"

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Hahaha... I'm sorry, if this blog is so nonsense and silly. Haha!

Forget You Not

Togetherness finished in the span of a few months. Togetherness that was never thought of because nobody would ever imagine that two of us would converge at one destination. I confide, our memories do not disappear. It was an unfading tie, indeed.

I remember how we filled the time with senseful and tommyrot conversation. We freaked out whenever we ran out of topic. We didn't want it to happen. What we wanted was to break silence, ALWAYS, and not silence eats us. Because silence would definitely mean awkwardness. Hence, even the most baloney thing on earth became a meaningful topic. But it was awesome because I learned things about and from you.

Do you recall when we parted ways by hugging each other under the mistletoe with no awkward fumbling? I was clouded by the thoughts of "I wanna hug you tight and close enough to hear your heartbeat." Why did I get a post-hug glow whenever I took in your arms?

Inside the moving communal vehicle, I saw how drowsiness took your consciousness. Did you know that I reflectively gazed at your visage that time? How about you? When I was reposing on a seat and suddenly nodded off, did you care for a glimpse of me? I am certain, you did not. When your hand touched mine to take me away from dreaming, it felt great. I came back to worldly realities with my heart mellowing out.

You could be puerile to the nth degree but those hands of yours were benign. You helped me avoid deadened leg muscles. You didn't want me to stumble with my chopine. You gave me this and that. You lent me this and that. You paid for this and that. And ensuring my safety was in your mind for all time. Every time I lost my self-confidence, you jacked it up.

What were we before? We were neither friends nor lovers. Acquaintance? Perhaps. Want to know the fact? We were just two strangers, bumped into each other by chance, got the aim, then waved goodbye. But hey! You were once special to me. A quick bond yet memories cling to life.

Thank you for the memories! I will forget you... NOT!

Super Friends

Sa araw na 'to, eksaktong 52 days before ng gradutaion ceremony namin. Syempe masaya ako. Sino ba naman hindi sasaya, di ba? Masaya ako kasi sa wakas, tapos na ko sa pag-aaral at oras ko na para tumulong sa mga magulang ko. Pero kahit gaano kasaya, meron parin magiging isang reason kung bakit may sadness akong nafi-feel.

Tama! Nasa-sad din ako kahit papaano kasi may mga taong siguradong mami-miss ko. Nandyan na 'yung mga schoolmates, classmates, professors, pati mga guards, yung mga nasa canteen, library, at higit sa lahat 'yung walong taong nagkumpleto at nagbigay kulay sa college life ko. Heto sila: (Maglalagay ako ng description ha?! =D)

1.) MARIANNE DELA CRUZ "Ang Dadalerang Gastador"

Siya unang naging kaibigan ko sa pito. Napaka-friendly at napakadaldal kase kaya lahat kinakausap. E saktong marami kaming pagkakapareho, maraming bagay na parehas naming gusto. Nandyan na 'yung mga sapatos, damit, bag, at accessories. Minsan pagpaplanuhan pa talaga namin kung ano isusuot namin sa ganitong araw. Pag magkasama kami, daldal lang kami ng daldal.

Bakit nga ba "ANG DALDALERANG GASTADOR"? Kagaya nga ng sabi ko, madaldal siya. Hindi siya nauubusan ng kwento. Dami rin niyang banat at jokes. Parang siya si Vice Ganda, batuhin mo ng jokes, may maiisip agad siyang pambato sa'yo. Bilis ng utak. Kaya sa theatre namin tawag sa kanya "Ad lib Queen". Kung anong ikinadaldal nya, ganoon din ikina-gastador niya. Grabe siya maglustay ng pera! Kahit mga walang kwentang bagay, binibili niya basta gusto niya. Kahit walang kwentang notebook, nang dahil lang naka-print doon si Dora the Explorer bibilhin niya. Eto pa... Mahilig siyang mag-order ng maraming putahe tapos hindi niya uubusin. Wala lang! Gusto lang niyang matikman.

2.) RAIZA SANTIAGO "Ang Lasenggerang Driver"

Actually, kaming dalawa ni Raiza ang driver ng lahat. Kami lang kasi marunong mag-drive. Si Raiza sa automatic, ako sa stick-shift. Kaming dalawa palagi ang huling nakakauwi ng bahay. Kaya dami namin napag-uusapan. Lovelife niya, pamilya niya, at mga chismis. Haha!

Hindi naman talaga lasenggera 'tong si Raiza. Ganun lang ang tawag namin kasi siya lang talaga ang umiinom ng alak/alcohol sa amin. 'Yung iba sa amin umiinom rin, pero isa hanggang dalawan bote, waley na. 'Yung isa namumula, 'yung isa naman andaldal, at 'yung isa nakahiga na. Pero ang pinakamatatag sa amin, si Raiza. Maka-isang case ng red horse siguro siya, wala paring tama sa kanya. Nagsusuka na lahat, siya tumatagay parin. Haha.

3.) MARIZ ABRAZALDO "Ang Galanteng Kapampangan Wanna-be"

Hindi masyadong dumadaldal 'tong babaeng 'to pag kasama mo. Pero sa GROUP MESSAGE, daming kinukwento! Haha. Majority sa grupo ay Kapampangan. Dalawa lang ang Bulakenya, si Mariz at Vuenavir. Etong si Mariz, nahahawa na sa aming mga Kapampangan. Minsan may tonong Kapampangan na sya kaya halos lahat kami nagtatawanan sa kanya.

Galante si Mariz, hindi gastador kagaya ni Marianne. Magkaiba ang galante at ang gastador. Willing siyang bilhin lahat basta kailangan. Ganun din pamilya niya. Minsan mapapadaan lang kami sa bahay o kaya may kukunin lang kami saglit, magugulat nalang kami, may merienda ng nakahapag. Haha! Minsan bibigyan pa kami ng daddy niya ng perang pang-gimik.

4.) AMELIA BALBOA "Ang Galanteng Daldalita"

Daldalita kase maliit lang siya. (Si Marianne kase laking tao kaya DALDALERA). Sobrang nakakatawa 'to si Amelia. Kahit isang word lang sabihin niya, matatawa ka na. Ewan ko kung anong meron siya bakit napaka-effortless ng mga jokes niya. Haha! Hindi rin siya nauubusan ng kwento at jokes. Minsan kaming lahat pagod na, pero siya daldal parin ng daldal. Pero ang cool kase, nae-energize kami kapag nagpapatawa siya.

Galante rin siya. Maglalabas siya agad ng pera sa mga bagay na importante. Gagastos siya kahit magkano basta reasonable naman. Wala kang maririnig na reklamo from her. Basta sige... gora lang ang pera sa pitaka niya.

5.) VUENAVIR SANCHEZ "Ang Sosyalerang Prangka"

Tawag namin sa kanya "Avi", isang Bulakenya. Pero nakikipagsabayan siya kapag nag-uusap kaming Kapampangan, kase ang boylet niya ay Kapampangan. Sosyal 'tong si Avi. Halos lahat ng gamit niya branded. Manang-mana sa mommy niya. Kahit sobrang mahal na make-up, papatusin niya. Haha! Grabe rin siyang mag-English, with conviction talaga siya. Anlalalim rin niyang mga English words niya. Haha! Dami pa niyang hand gestures.

Kapag nakita mong magkasalubong na kilay ni Avi, kelangan 'wag siyang iinisin. Kase pagsasabihan ka niya. Kung anong napapansin niya, sasabihin niya, lalu na kapag nakikita niyang mali. Pero hindi siya tulad ng iba na mahadera. Sasabihin niya ang gusto niyang sabihin sa intelehenteng pamamaraan.

6.) ARIANE LINGAT "Ang Relihiyosong Problemado"

Siguro siya 'yung may pinakakaunting kasalanan sa amin. Haha! Seryoso. Sabi kasi niya, as much as possible, iwasan ang gumawa ng kasalanan. Kung kailangan sabihin ang totoo, sabihin raw. Kapag may nilalait kaming tao, pipigilan niya kami. Kapag magsisinungaling kami, pagsasabihan niya kami. At every time na may contest na sasalihan ang kung sino man sa amin, lagi ka niyang ipe-pray over.

Kaya nga nabansagan siya problemado dahil lahat ng bagay, lalu na mga masasamang gawain, iniisip niya. Pero may mga time na, tatawa nalang kami, kasi feeling namin hindi naman dapat problemahin, pinoproblema niya. Haha!

7.) RHIAN BARCINAS "Ang Baklang Fashionista"

Bag, sapatos, make-up, accessories, name it! Alam niya lahat. Haha! Lagi niyang alam ang mga trend fashion. Siya pa nga ang official hair and make-up artist naming magkakaibigan. Ang galing niyang mag-ayos. Lahat kami napapaganda niya. Akalain mong ang malaking ilong ko, napapatangos niya nang maganda sa make-up niya. Pulidong-pulido!

Isa siyang beki at siya ang itinuturing naming "mother". Hindi dahil siya ang pinaka-matanda o gumaganap siya bilang ina na nagbibigay ng advice sa amin. Hindi ganun! Siya pa nga 'yung nagyayaya sa amin na rumampa, lumarga, gumimik. at lumakwacha. Haha! Siya ang mother kase siya ang pinaka-dambuhala sa amin. Haha! Maingay din siya pati laging nagpapatawa sa amin.

8.) JERIC GUTIERREZ "Ang Malanding Bading"

Dati dugyutin 'tong beki na 'to. Pumunta lang ng Japan at nagtrabaho, nagmukha ng babae. Baka nga mas mukha pa kaming lalaki sa kanya. Sabi niya sa amin, never siya magbibihis-babae. Pero ngayon, nagsusuot na ng panty, bra, skirt, tube, at make-up. Haha! Dinaig pa kami ng bakla.

Masasabi kong siya ay isang "MALANDING BADING" kase siya palang ang nakakalandi talaga sa amin. Haha! Dami niyang boylaloo. Hindi nauubusan ng suitors. Ganda-ganda kasi niya e. Tapos nakakatawa pa siya.

Ako naman si ANNIZAH CAMID, "Ang Palataeng Driver". Alam ko gross, pero 'yan ang totoo. Hahaha!!! Sabi ko nga, ako 'yung driver nilang gumagamit ng stick-shift. At oo... Pala-jebs ako. I don't mean to be icky here, gusto ko lang ikwento 'yung totoo. Haha! Hindi ko alam kung anong meron ang stomach ko at laging tinatawag ng nature. Sobrang bilis ata ng metabolism ko, kaya minsan right after kumain, naghahanap na agad ng comfort room. Lahat ng toilet nila sa bahay, nabasbasan ko na ng pagtawag ng nature sa akin. Haha! (Isang gross fact about me).

'Yang walong 'yan ang hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan. Sila 'yung mga Super Friends ko. Sobrang mami-miss ko lahat ng bonding moments namin. Lagi akong masaya kapag kasama sila. Hindi kami nauubusan ng pag-uusapan, pagbibiruan, at pagchi-chismisan. Kahit nasa parking lot lang kami nakatambay, hindi ka makakaramdam ng pagkabagot. Kahit nga library, nabubulabog sa kaingayan naman.

Kung ang ibang magkakaibigan, libangan ang magparty... kaming magkakaibigan, kumain ang libangan namin. 2-3 hours kami nagii-stay sa restaurants. 30 minutes kaming kakain at isang oras kami magdadaldalan, minsan sobra pa. Sa bawat kinakainan namin, ganoon kami. May mga time rin na trip namin kumain ng mga street food, like isaw, kwek-kwek, barbecue, mangga, at iba pa. Andaming junk food sa bahay namin, pero hindi ko pinapansin. Pero pag kasama ko sila, parang gutom na gutom ako na nakikipag-agawan sa chips. Ewan... Ansarap kumain kapag sila kasama ko.

Sobrang saya 'pag kasama sila. Nakakalimutan lahat ng problema. Noon, puro kami tawanan, kapag may problema 'yung isa, ichi-cheer up namin siya. Tipong magjo-joke tapos wala ng mga advices. Pero ngayong matatanda na kami, marunong na rin kami makinig at mag-advise sa kung sino man sa amin ang may problema.

Siguro iisipin ng iba na ang OA ko, e pwede naman kaming magkita after graduation. Oo, pwede pa kaming magkita pero siguro suntok sa buwan nalang. Si Rhian matagal ng nasa Canada, si Jeric matagal na ring nasa Japan. Tapos 'yung iba sa amin, pupunta na rin ng ibang bansa after graduation, kagaya ko. Nakakalungkot lang isipin na hindi na kami ganoon kadalas magsama.

Sana after graduation, consistent parin 'yung communication namin. Sana after graduation, lahat kami maging successful (I'm sure we will be). Sana after graduation, hindi namin makalimutan isa't isa. Sana kahit may mga asawa't anak na kami, magkikita pa rin kami.

Sobrang mami-miss ko lang sila! =(