The Riskiest Decision

August is my birth month. It is supposed to be a fun-filled and worry-free month. But it didn't turn out that way. It became a thorny decision-making month, where I am honestly not good at. It was stuffed with choices; from choosing whether to throw a party on my birthday or just dine in a resto... to thinking where I ought to hone my future. Sounds weird?!

I know my problems are insignificant compared to other world's dilemmas, but I am still human. Hence, facing those choices pains me, especially both choices are so important to me. As you know, choosing is attached with sacrificing. Once you choose, you sacrifice the other one.

One morning, I woke up and felt huge pressure heavily slid through me. I realized that I am not getting younger anymore. I just turned 22. Oh wait! I am now a 22-year-old lady who is very childish and dependent. That cannot be! Time will come that I have no one to lean on. I need to learn how to stand on my own feet. But learning this would mean sacrificing things I have now. Presently, I am torn between these 2 choices: safe zone or personal growth.

As you may know, I am residing in Saudi Arabia with the whole family who provides all my needs, working in a company that gives me enough dough and I got a fab life in the midst of the crowd, under a spotlight, and in front of a camera. Contentment? I have it. I am content with the life I am living, but I sense there is a big space in me that should be occupied. I am ONLY being comfortable with my situation in life. Comfort without meaning. Shandel Stalent, the founder of True Life Coaching, said "A meaningful life means continual growth — always stepping beyond your comfort zone into the unknown, unexpected and undefined.”

I am one of the segment hosts of TFC Kabayan Tamabayan.

with my challengers

A meaningful life is what I seek. I asked myself, "How will I obtain a meaningful life?" Without a minute, the answer appeared. My dream sprang to mind. It was a dream that eventually became a passion. Passion that cannot be seen in the place where I am currently at. This made me decide to return to my homeland, Philippines... A precarious path.

It took many sleepless nights before I came to this challenging decision. But the longer part here was the process of gaining my parents' blessing. I could not blame them if they deprecated my plans before. Like what I said, I've been amazingly living a comfortable life in here. My family is with me. I have my job which makes me financially secure and safe. Unlike in the Philippines, I will surely start from scratch. I need to delve into the employment arena, aggressively compete with millions of unemployed Filipinos and battle over low employment opportunities.

My lovies!

@ Mirage

I opted to get back to my country, not because of its freedom. As they said, sometimes the greatest personal growth comes from choosing things/places that are not the most comfortable, but instead force you to see life from a different angle. Yes, I want to be an independent woman. But this kind of life in no way implies an escape from being a good daughter. I will surely be monitored by my parents and will still be asking permission to go somewhere else. I have my own interpretation of independence. Being independent means being able to be responsible for every action you do and learn to find solution to a problem without fear.

I already booked a flight. I will be flying back to Philippines on the 2nd of December. I will not lie! My heart is badly draped with fears, apprehensions, and sadness. Many "what if's" are continuously bursting in my mind. What if I do not succeed? What if I fail? Blah... Blah... Blah...

Itenerary

I want to grow, right? I want to be fulfilled, remember? I will not be able to achieve this without failure. Everyone passes this stage. I may not succeed, but at least I tried. I do not want to get old with regrets of not trying. In the long run, these trials will become my ingredients to grow and lead an independent life.

After this, you will see a new Annizah... A crying baby no more. A lady who stands tall as she wears success on her sleeves.

Underneath

Why do I conceal my genuine feelings in front of a mortal's eye?

I am a very communicative person but I am not articulate. Or perhaps I intentionally communicate inarticulately, especially when it is about intimate issues. I unduly express myself when I am happy. I can let the whole world know how ecstatic I am. But when things get pretty complex, I shut my mouth.

Often do I crack jokes, even if I carry a heavy heart. I can turn up the corners of my mouth even though something pinches me inside. I believe this is the easiest thing to do. It is simpler than ranting about problems. I use fewer muscles when I laugh than when I sob. But do you know what the main reason is? I do not want to let people know my weaknesses. If I unveil my true emotions, they sure will.

The problem is I am vulnerable. Yes, you would see my crying over random stuffs. But you would never hear me talk about it, especially when it concerns the person I am with. I have a feeling that he would take advantage of my weakness once he has learned about it.

Insincerity? Hypocrisy? Yes, I may have these. But please, just let me. This is where I find comfort. This is where I feel safe.

Let me smile before your very eyes and let me frown underneath.

Bakit hindi ka crush ng crush mo?

May bagong  movie ngayon ang Star Cinema... "Bakit Hindi Ka Crush ng Crush mo?" na isunulat ni Ramon Bautista at isinapelikula nina Kim Chui at Xian Lim.

Hindi ako mahilig manood ng mga ganitong pelikula. Pero dahil uso... Oo na! Makikiuso ako. Napaisip din naman kasi ako kung anong isasagot ko kapag ako ang tinanong ng ganun.

Gaya halos ng mga subjective posts ko, ibabase ko 'yung sagot ko sa experience ko.

*Highschool

Second year high school ako noong may isang lalaking nag-transfer mula sa kabilang school. Gwapo at maporma, kaya ayun... Naging campus crush! Akala ko noon, crush ko lang siya kasi bagong salta, bagong mukha. Naging third year high school ako, ganun parin. Ang matindi pa, nagka-dalawang girlfriends na siya sa school, pero hinahangaan ko pa rin siya. Hindi ko alam kung bakit siya, samantalang, may iba naman diyan na BAKA may crush din sa akin. Tinatanong ko sarili ko, "Bakit crush ko 'yung taong hindi naman ako crush"? Napaka-magical ng feeling na wala naman siyang ginagawa pero napapakilig niya ako. Ultimong mapunta lang sa akin yung papel niya kapag sinabi na ng teacher na "exchange paper", tumatalon na agad puso ko. Pakiramdam ko soulmate na kami. Ang pinkamasyang nangyari sa akin noon ay sa gabi ng JS Prom. Kami kasi 'yung itinanghal na Mr. & Ms. Junior. Nainis pa nga ako noon kasi dapat magsasayaw mga nanalong partners ng romantic dance. Ganun naman talaga, 'di ba? Ewan ko ba sa mga organizers ng event kung bakit walang ganoon. Pagkakataon ko na 'yun eh!

Eto 'yung mga naisip kong dahilan noon bakit hindi niya ako naging crush (kahit sa mga panahong single kami parehas):

1. Maarte ako
2. Sungki ngipin ko (maganda ngipin niya e)
3. Maingay ako
4. Sobrang payat ko
5. Pangit ako

*College
Campus heartthrob siya. In short, isa lang ako sa napakaraming humahanga sa kanya. Mutual friends kaya nagkakasama kami. Naging madalas yung pagsasama dahil sa isang event na pinaghandaan namin, pero syempre may mga kasama kami. Eto yung paghangang hindi ko na kinwestyon kung crush niya ba ako o bakit hindi niya ako crush. Kumbaga, hindi ko na nagawang isipin kasi may jowa ako noon. Simpleng diretsong literal na paghanga lang. Pero kung siguro babalikan ko para malaman ko man kung bakit hindi ako crush ni college crush, eto 'yung sagot ko:

1. May jowa ako
2. 'Di siya maka-get over sa ex niya.
3. Maarte ako
4. Parang bading ako kumilos at magsalita
5. Pangit ako

Pagkatapos kong i-enumerate 'yung mga naiisip kong dahilan nang hindi pagkahanga sa akin ng crush ko, naisip ko... Saklap pala! Nagkakaroon tayo ng mga insercurities na hindi naman dapat, gaya na lamang ng  pag-isip na baka pangit tayo. Sigurado ako, hindi lang ako nakaisip no'n. Aminin!

Pero minsan 'yung mga dahilan na 'yon, katas lamang ng pagiging praning. Kagaya na lamang ng high school crush ko. After graduation, napagkwentuhan lang namin 'yung mga bagay-bagay. Nag-reminisce! Naikwento ko nga na hinahangaan ko siya non pati natanong ko rin kung bakit hindi man lang niya ko napansin noon. Eto ang sabi niya, "Napapansin kita noon. Sobrang pansin. Nag-aaral pa ko sa ibang school, nakikita na kita sa mga interschool events. Crush kita. Hindi lang ako umaasa na papansinin mo ko. Siyempre nakaka-intimidate... Nakakahiya!"

Sabihin na nating case-BY-case basis, pero ang bottomline doon... Napapakilig ka ni crush! Wala naman siyang ginagawa pero napapasaya niya puso mo.

Ride to Unwind

I am not addicted to wheels. Neither do I fall to a hard-core group of people who fork out large moolah to pimp their rides. As long as I sit on a pink seat, then my hands are ready to put the stick shift in motion.

I am residing in a patriarchal middle east country that does not allow women to drive. It is ridiculously frustrating to know that I cannot drive in a place where owning a car and filling up a gas tank is easy-peasy. Saudi Arabia, it is! But do not misunderstand me. Driving ban rule for women is not a plight I could consider, thus, I wholeheartedly respect Shura Council. I just miss driving! I miss my pink car! I miss my itinerary!

I received my personal car and learned to drive at the age of 17. I still remember how my back and leg muscles tautened as I drove along the street of Grand Royale Village. I was accompanied by my uncle during my first 6 months of driving. Subsequently, my parents allowed me to drive my car single-handedly. And this was the start of my long list of travel itinerary swaying.

Many places were visited. If I had been allowed to go to far places by my parents, I might have driven to Ilocos. The farthest place I got to drive to was Baguio, but I shared the driving. The longest drive where I personally drove the whole way was from Pampanga to Tagaytay (north to south).

Talk about accidents, fortunate me encountered none. Well, I nearly had some. The most unforgettable one was when I got angry with my then boyfriend and tried to escape. I drove my car as fast as I could. He chased me using his. Race, it was! Hell yeah! I was a better driver than him. Unfortunately, he was unable to run down me because he slammed into a stone barricade. My emotions went from anger to guilt the moment I learned about it. I was very thankful that he did not get hurt. Yes, I could be that stupid. [insert sad face here] Talk about damage, he spent a lot for the repair.

Car is fun to be ridden when you are with nice people and a cool music playing in the background. If I would switch it to radio FM... Magic 89.9's "Boys Night Out" and "Good Times" could crack me.

What I really do miss about having a personal car is... I could flee whenever stress, depression, and shiznit emerge. Each time this would happen, I would grab my key and eventually would find myself going on a road trip with a seemingly non-existing destination. I dunno! I feel relieved doing such. And 4 days ago, I badly needed my pinkie car. Something happened that hopelessness suddenly struck me. I got no car here. I thought of getting a taxi to go anywhere, but this place is in peril, so I did not.

I find driving magical. I drive without knowing I create an experience out of it. Driving takes me to various places and unpremeditatedly spawns a journey.

By the way, me likey to learn how to drift. Who can teach me?

Petty details: I'm a barefoot driver.

Productive Day Off

Ramadan Mubarak, everyone! Since this month is very holy and essential, people need to fast and spend more time reaching Almighty Allah. For this reason, working hours are shortened. Like for us, we just work from 10 in the morning 'til 4 in the afternoon. This makes me become amazingly productive.

I am your Pinky Maid.

July 19, 2013 was a day off. I was not able to catch a lot of Zzzz, yet I was in high spirits to do some chores. A night before that, I planned to help mama do the laundry so papa would just take a rest as he was fasting. Unfortunately, I woke up at around 10-ish and learned that clothes were hung on a clothesline already. So, I just picked up the vacuum's plug and cleaned the room I shared with my little sister.

The flat we are presently renting in Saudi Arabia is very old and small. It only has 2 bedrooms, a kitchen, and a bathroom. Investing a lot of money for a temporary dwelling is not practical.

You may think it is easy to clean such a poky bedroom. But definitely it ain't for someone who has many stuffs, like me. It is kind of hard to place and organize my girly stuffs. I sorted dangling earrings from regular ones, long necklaces from short ones, bracelets from watches and arranged my clothes by color. Shoes were not moved because they are placed outside the room.

By the way, my little sister helped me with this task. Well, I actually forced her to do so. Lol! She was the one who dusted the stuffed toys and embellished a small part of the wall with cutesy stickers. I am not into these toys, but I do have 6 that I sweetly treasure. 2 of them were even shipped from Philippines to Riyadh, the other 2 were included in my luggage during a trip, and 2 were left. Their names are Petunia, Bugs Bunny, Fiorelli, Butterflee, Polywrath, and an angry bird. Lol! Kind of corny, IKR?

These pink netbook and tablet are abandoned. I was using them way back college. After a year, I tried to turn them on. Gladly, they still function.

My productive day did not just end there. After dusting and sorting, I opted to flex my muscles. I had a 30-minute cardio, 200-rep squats, and 200-leg raises. Having done those deadly exercises, I craved for pancakes. T'was my first time to make some, thus, they got burnt like expected. I asked myself after seeing the result, "How many more pancakes will get burnt until I accomplish a perfect one?" I'm going to learn the answer this Friday. Teehee!

It is holy month of Ramadan, so I ended this day by watching a youtube video. A very good chum forwarded its link: "Fasting Without Taqwa? SHOCKER! | Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan".

It feels so great that I can be productive once in a while, despite being busy at work. Well, I may consider it a fulfillment because I know how tight I embrace laziness. Haha! Way to go, Annie!

Snaplove

Gulpe De Gulat

Nakausap ko 'yung matalik kong kaibigan, para ko na nga siyang kapatid e. Tawang-tawa ako nang naisambit niya 'yung salitang "gulpe de gulat". Gulat nga rin ako na may ganung phrase pala na nage-exist. Malamang mage-exist siya kasi nangyayari sa totoong buhay eh. Pero hindi ko alam kung akma ba 'yung mga salitang 'yun sa nangyayari sa akin ngayon... Ay! Noon pala.

May nalaman ako. Natuklasan ko 'yung konting katotohanan. Hindi buo, pero ayos na sa akin 'yun. Hindi naman ako yayaman dun pero sobrang saya ko nung nalaman ko 'yun eh! Saglitang saya lang kasi bigla kong naisip... Eto 'yung masayang katotohanan na hindi mo na pwedeng panghawakan. Ay mali! Kahit pala malaman ko ng mas maaga o sobrang aga pa (kahit malaman ko 'yun habang fetus pa ako), hindi ko parin pwedeng panghawakan kasi wala rin namang magbabago.

Gusto kong idetalye para maintindihan ninyong mga nagbabasa. Sigurado ako makakaramdam kayo ng tawa at pagkagulat. Kaso hindi pwede eh!

Anlaking pasasalamat ko doon sa kaibigan ko. Nakahinga ako ng maluwag! OA ba?! Hindi naman siguro, kasi antagal ko ng gustong ilabas eh. Hindi ko lang alam kung sino ang tamang taong pagsasabihan ko 'non. Kung sino ang makakasagot nito: "Will I ever get to heaven with you?Will I ever breathe the air that you do? Will I ever touch the angels? Will they fly? Will I ever? " Pilitin mo nalang i-connect sa topic.

Ang naiisip ko ngayon... Kahit hindi ko panghahawakan 'yung katotohanang 'yun, masaya narin ako kasi nalaman ko na hindi pala nag-iisa 'yung puso ko noon. Wow! Puso?! Paano na-involve ang puso dito? Lol! Ganito nalang... Hindi pala ako nag-iisa. Parehas pala kami ng nararamdaman para sa isa't isa. Hindi na nga lang pwede...