Sweetest Pain

P.S. This is an imaginative fiction. Merely to put story for the 2 pictures.
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I lay in my bed, curled up on my side with knees tucked in. I bit my fingernails underneath the pink quilt. The noise of air conditioner covered my ears. Its sound was too strong, enough to distract me from thinking. But bother was gnawing away at the back of my mind.

I suddenly heard a heavy sigh. A small gesture was felt by the skin of my weakening arms. He sat at the edge of the bed. I did not hear a slamming door nor a footstep coming closer to me. But I knew who it was. "Woman, are you really that conceited," I heard a voice. I did not retort, neither took off the quilt.

I stopped biting my nails. I waited for the next word. None. My pride kicked. I did not let a single word spill out of my mouth. I felt him moving. He lay beside me in a supine position. The sound of air conditioner was all that could be heard. Until...

"What is it with you, Angela? You are being stubborn at times. Oh no! Your are always being like that. You get into a huff when you do not get what you want. You would not talk to me if I beat you in a play station game. What's even worse is... Often do you show your ire and I don't even know the reason. Then, I would find out the reason is... I forgot you to buy your favorite brownies or cookies. Just that! Never did your sluggishness annoy me. No matter how long I wait for you downstairs while you groom your hair, it is fine with me. But when it's me who arrives late at our meeting place, even when I'm only 2 minutes late, you automatically give me a tiger-stare. You would rant about my poor punctuality for a week. You would blame me for the not-so-delish pasta you eat at a bistro, when you're the one who ordered it. And most especially, you do not take things seriously. How insensitive," Tom emphasized.

A long silence dominated. My heart beat quickly. Did I feel guilty? Did I feel mad? Did I feel melancholic? I felt all of this. I was about to give a yelp of pain when I heard him say, "I know what's on your mind now. You are thinking that I never appreciated you. You feel like you never did good things for I only draw attention to your flaws. It seems to be that way, but it actually is not." He nestled his head near mine, placed a hand on my hips, and spoke, "I will not lie. You are a headache. You always pain me." My chest began to tighten as I repressed a salty liquid from my eyes. He deeply sighed. "But you are the sweetest pain. You are the only pain that could not kill. You are the pain that makes me alive. This pain is the reason why I want to wake up every morning. The pain that feeds my soul. An incongruous pain that makes me happy. An ironic pain that heals a heart," he continued.

His skin created warmth in me. He slowly took off the quilt. My eyes did not want to sight him, so I kept my eyes closed. He spoke, "I'm not asking you to change. It's just that I've been keeping this inside. Perhaps that's your way of showing your love, so be it. You would not be the girl I loved years ago, if you are not as that. And you would not be the girl who has been giving me happiness for so long, if you change."

 A few more minutes, he gently lifted my chin up and whisperred, "Stay the same. I'm sorry for flaring up. I'm sorry." He hugged me tightly. I felt his very soft lips on my forehead.

I then realized... I am the pain in his bum and he is my serenity.

It's the last day of the month of September. This month has been amazingly spectacular. God has showered me with myriad blessings. My heart is very thankful, but I am so stupid for ending so many days/nights of this month without talking to and thanking Him. Well, I always pray before I sleep but I unconsciously fall asleep amid conversing with Him - which I know it is not good. This is perhaps due to lack of focus.

Since I am into blogging and I express myself through it, I want to share my letter to God with you.

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Dear God,

I want to end this month thanking you for all the things I have received.

Thank You for the love and care you gave me, and not only me...
Thank You for taking care of my loved ones as well.
Thank You for the healthy food we eat.
Thank You for the little luxuries we indulge in.
Thank You for the opportunities that have been coming my way.

I welcomed this month with many confusions and worries,
But I know it is Your way of challenging me to eked out some strength to be a stronger person.
You reminded me that these weaknesses could be my source of tenacity.
Thank You for guiding me in making decisions.
Thank You for helping me stand up after a downfall.

People come and go.
People who went away but left precious memories I could always cherish, thank You.
People who just came and are now giving me reasons to appreciate life more, thank You.
People who never left my side since day one, thank You.
I have the best family in this world, thank You.

I want to end this month apologizing for all the sins I have done.

I am sorry for the anger and hatred I feel towards others.
I am sorry for  paining a person who knows nothing but to love me dearly.
I am sorry for ignoring people who have pure intention towards me.
I am sorry for there are times that I talk back to my parents and I become mean to my siblings.
I am sorry for hurting many people, intentionally and unintentionally.

I want to end this month asking for little things, not for me, but for my loved ones.

Please guide my friends, colleagues, RIS/CEU families, relatives, and my family.
Please save us from accident, sickness, any harm.
Please make Mama and Papa stronger and healthier so they can be with us for a million years.
Please help my super friends in achieving their goals.
Please do not forget that my heart is forever thankful.

Amen.

First Asian Tour - Hong Kong

Nobody is too old for Disneyland. Visiting this amusing place is everyone's dream. I am 101% sure of it!

This post is 4 months late. We had our first Asian tour on the 27th of May at Hong Kong and Shenzhen, China. The whole idea was made when we realized my nephews are now youngsters and can appreciate and recognize Mickey Mouse. So, we decided to take them to Disneyland. This trip was actually unexpected.  My parents hate travelling or long-distance trip. Hence, my siblings and I laboriously made hoax and batting of eyelashes until they brought out the big "YES".

We stayed there for 3 days and 2 nights only. On our first day, a shuttle accompanied us to our hotel. It was a lovely clean city.  We took a rest at the hotel the whole day. My parents were really tired of the plane trip that they did not even want to rove around. But having wanted to make our tummies happy, we went to metropolis. Initially, we were a bit apprehensive about trying Hong Kong dishes. So, we went on the safe side and headed to McDonald's. I was stunned to see Black & White Burgers. OMG! But I did not try 'em because I have no strong appetite for burgers.

Second day was enervative. I am not kidding! Our itinerary was packed. We had a city tour in the morning.  We visited various tourist spots and other boutiques. Morning activities consumed darn 80% of our energy, I tell you. When the clock stroke 2 and needed to get to Disneyland, my whole family and I were already very exhausted. But this amazingly enchanting land was the most awaited tourist spot, so the remaining 20% energy was prolonged. My outfit here was obviously not appropriate for any theme parks. I wore this on purpose. I was not gagging when I said, I would wear a dress for a reason that I felt like "I am of the Disney princesses". I fluttered my floral dress all over the place. Lol! Due to limited time, we were unable to amble the whole resort. I was kinda dismayed for having not ridden their extreme rides.. My companions (supposed-to-be) were scared.

After we enjoyed Disneyland, we directly proceeded to our flight to Shenzhen, China. That was around 9-ish in the evening. Too much physical effort, huh?! Our sojourn in here was not so special for me. But as for my parents, it was a fantastic shopping-spree day, especially in the Bamboo boutique. The only scene I enjoyed was the Window of the World.

I want to visit many picturesque places but I hate the tiring concept of travelling. Ironies! Knowing that it would take much of my energy makes me feel lazy to create my itinerary. How am I going to visit these places without travelling? Lol! No wonder whom I obtain this character from. All I can say is "The family that travels together (regardless of how tiring it could be), stays together FOREVER." (Lately, Been using this line a lot.)

The Riskiest Decision

August is my birth month. It is supposed to be a fun-filled and worry-free month. But it didn't turn out that way. It became a thorny decision-making month, where I am honestly not good at. It was stuffed with choices; from choosing whether to throw a party on my birthday or just dine in a resto... to thinking where I ought to hone my future. Sounds weird?!

I know my problems are insignificant compared to other world's dilemmas, but I am still human. Hence, facing those choices pains me, especially both choices are so important to me. As you know, choosing is attached with sacrificing. Once you choose, you sacrifice the other one.

One morning, I woke up and felt huge pressure heavily slid through me. I realized that I am not getting younger anymore. I just turned 22. Oh wait! I am now a 22-year-old lady who is very childish and dependent. That cannot be! Time will come that I have no one to lean on. I need to learn how to stand on my own feet. But learning this would mean sacrificing things I have now. Presently, I am torn between these 2 choices: safe zone or personal growth.

As you may know, I am residing in Saudi Arabia with the whole family who provides all my needs, working in a company that gives me enough dough and I got a fab life in the midst of the crowd, under a spotlight, and in front of a camera. Contentment? I have it. I am content with the life I am living, but I sense there is a big space in me that should be occupied. I am ONLY being comfortable with my situation in life. Comfort without meaning. Shandel Stalent, the founder of True Life Coaching, said "A meaningful life means continual growth — always stepping beyond your comfort zone into the unknown, unexpected and undefined.”

I am one of the segment hosts of TFC Kabayan Tamabayan.

with my challengers

A meaningful life is what I seek. I asked myself, "How will I obtain a meaningful life?" Without a minute, the answer appeared. My dream sprang to mind. It was a dream that eventually became a passion. Passion that cannot be seen in the place where I am currently at. This made me decide to return to my homeland, Philippines... A precarious path.

It took many sleepless nights before I came to this challenging decision. But the longer part here was the process of gaining my parents' blessing. I could not blame them if they deprecated my plans before. Like what I said, I've been amazingly living a comfortable life in here. My family is with me. I have my job which makes me financially secure and safe. Unlike in the Philippines, I will surely start from scratch. I need to delve into the employment arena, aggressively compete with millions of unemployed Filipinos and battle over low employment opportunities.

My lovies!

@ Mirage

I opted to get back to my country, not because of its freedom. As they said, sometimes the greatest personal growth comes from choosing things/places that are not the most comfortable, but instead force you to see life from a different angle. Yes, I want to be an independent woman. But this kind of life in no way implies an escape from being a good daughter. I will surely be monitored by my parents and will still be asking permission to go somewhere else. I have my own interpretation of independence. Being independent means being able to be responsible for every action you do and learn to find solution to a problem without fear.

I already booked a flight. I will be flying back to Philippines on the 2nd of December. I will not lie! My heart is badly draped with fears, apprehensions, and sadness. Many "what if's" are continuously bursting in my mind. What if I do not succeed? What if I fail? Blah... Blah... Blah...

Itenerary

I want to grow, right? I want to be fulfilled, remember? I will not be able to achieve this without failure. Everyone passes this stage. I may not succeed, but at least I tried. I do not want to get old with regrets of not trying. In the long run, these trials will become my ingredients to grow and lead an independent life.

After this, you will see a new Annizah... A crying baby no more. A lady who stands tall as she wears success on her sleeves.

Underneath

Why do I conceal my genuine feelings in front of a mortal's eye?

I am a very communicative person but I am not articulate. Or perhaps I intentionally communicate inarticulately, especially when it is about intimate issues. I unduly express myself when I am happy. I can let the whole world know how ecstatic I am. But when things get pretty complex, I shut my mouth.

Often do I crack jokes, even if I carry a heavy heart. I can turn up the corners of my mouth even though something pinches me inside. I believe this is the easiest thing to do. It is simpler than ranting about problems. I use fewer muscles when I laugh than when I sob. But do you know what the main reason is? I do not want to let people know my weaknesses. If I unveil my true emotions, they sure will.

The problem is I am vulnerable. Yes, you would see my crying over random stuffs. But you would never hear me talk about it, especially when it concerns the person I am with. I have a feeling that he would take advantage of my weakness once he has learned about it.

Insincerity? Hypocrisy? Yes, I may have these. But please, just let me. This is where I find comfort. This is where I feel safe.

Let me smile before your very eyes and let me frown underneath.

Bakit hindi ka crush ng crush mo?

May bagong  movie ngayon ang Star Cinema... "Bakit Hindi Ka Crush ng Crush mo?" na isunulat ni Ramon Bautista at isinapelikula nina Kim Chui at Xian Lim.

Hindi ako mahilig manood ng mga ganitong pelikula. Pero dahil uso... Oo na! Makikiuso ako. Napaisip din naman kasi ako kung anong isasagot ko kapag ako ang tinanong ng ganun.

Gaya halos ng mga subjective posts ko, ibabase ko 'yung sagot ko sa experience ko.

*Highschool

Second year high school ako noong may isang lalaking nag-transfer mula sa kabilang school. Gwapo at maporma, kaya ayun... Naging campus crush! Akala ko noon, crush ko lang siya kasi bagong salta, bagong mukha. Naging third year high school ako, ganun parin. Ang matindi pa, nagka-dalawang girlfriends na siya sa school, pero hinahangaan ko pa rin siya. Hindi ko alam kung bakit siya, samantalang, may iba naman diyan na BAKA may crush din sa akin. Tinatanong ko sarili ko, "Bakit crush ko 'yung taong hindi naman ako crush"? Napaka-magical ng feeling na wala naman siyang ginagawa pero napapakilig niya ako. Ultimong mapunta lang sa akin yung papel niya kapag sinabi na ng teacher na "exchange paper", tumatalon na agad puso ko. Pakiramdam ko soulmate na kami. Ang pinkamasyang nangyari sa akin noon ay sa gabi ng JS Prom. Kami kasi 'yung itinanghal na Mr. & Ms. Junior. Nainis pa nga ako noon kasi dapat magsasayaw mga nanalong partners ng romantic dance. Ganun naman talaga, 'di ba? Ewan ko ba sa mga organizers ng event kung bakit walang ganoon. Pagkakataon ko na 'yun eh!

Eto 'yung mga naisip kong dahilan noon bakit hindi niya ako naging crush (kahit sa mga panahong single kami parehas):

1. Maarte ako
2. Sungki ngipin ko (maganda ngipin niya e)
3. Maingay ako
4. Sobrang payat ko
5. Pangit ako

*College
Campus heartthrob siya. In short, isa lang ako sa napakaraming humahanga sa kanya. Mutual friends kaya nagkakasama kami. Naging madalas yung pagsasama dahil sa isang event na pinaghandaan namin, pero syempre may mga kasama kami. Eto yung paghangang hindi ko na kinwestyon kung crush niya ba ako o bakit hindi niya ako crush. Kumbaga, hindi ko na nagawang isipin kasi may jowa ako noon. Simpleng diretsong literal na paghanga lang. Pero kung siguro babalikan ko para malaman ko man kung bakit hindi ako crush ni college crush, eto 'yung sagot ko:

1. May jowa ako
2. 'Di siya maka-get over sa ex niya.
3. Maarte ako
4. Parang bading ako kumilos at magsalita
5. Pangit ako

Pagkatapos kong i-enumerate 'yung mga naiisip kong dahilan nang hindi pagkahanga sa akin ng crush ko, naisip ko... Saklap pala! Nagkakaroon tayo ng mga insercurities na hindi naman dapat, gaya na lamang ng  pag-isip na baka pangit tayo. Sigurado ako, hindi lang ako nakaisip no'n. Aminin!

Pero minsan 'yung mga dahilan na 'yon, katas lamang ng pagiging praning. Kagaya na lamang ng high school crush ko. After graduation, napagkwentuhan lang namin 'yung mga bagay-bagay. Nag-reminisce! Naikwento ko nga na hinahangaan ko siya non pati natanong ko rin kung bakit hindi man lang niya ko napansin noon. Eto ang sabi niya, "Napapansin kita noon. Sobrang pansin. Nag-aaral pa ko sa ibang school, nakikita na kita sa mga interschool events. Crush kita. Hindi lang ako umaasa na papansinin mo ko. Siyempre nakaka-intimidate... Nakakahiya!"

Sabihin na nating case-BY-case basis, pero ang bottomline doon... Napapakilig ka ni crush! Wala naman siyang ginagawa pero napapasaya niya puso mo.

Ride to Unwind

I am not addicted to wheels. Neither do I fall to a hard-core group of people who fork out large moolah to pimp their rides. As long as I sit on a pink seat, then my hands are ready to put the stick shift in motion.

I am residing in a patriarchal middle east country that does not allow women to drive. It is ridiculously frustrating to know that I cannot drive in a place where owning a car and filling up a gas tank is easy-peasy. Saudi Arabia, it is! But do not misunderstand me. Driving ban rule for women is not a plight I could consider, thus, I wholeheartedly respect Shura Council. I just miss driving! I miss my pink car! I miss my itinerary!

I received my personal car and learned to drive at the age of 17. I still remember how my back and leg muscles tautened as I drove along the street of Grand Royale Village. I was accompanied by my uncle during my first 6 months of driving. Subsequently, my parents allowed me to drive my car single-handedly. And this was the start of my long list of travel itinerary swaying.

Many places were visited. If I had been allowed to go to far places by my parents, I might have driven to Ilocos. The farthest place I got to drive to was Baguio, but I shared the driving. The longest drive where I personally drove the whole way was from Pampanga to Tagaytay (north to south).

Talk about accidents, fortunate me encountered none. Well, I nearly had some. The most unforgettable one was when I got angry with my then boyfriend and tried to escape. I drove my car as fast as I could. He chased me using his. Race, it was! Hell yeah! I was a better driver than him. Unfortunately, he was unable to run down me because he slammed into a stone barricade. My emotions went from anger to guilt the moment I learned about it. I was very thankful that he did not get hurt. Yes, I could be that stupid. [insert sad face here] Talk about damage, he spent a lot for the repair.

Car is fun to be ridden when you are with nice people and a cool music playing in the background. If I would switch it to radio FM... Magic 89.9's "Boys Night Out" and "Good Times" could crack me.

What I really do miss about having a personal car is... I could flee whenever stress, depression, and shiznit emerge. Each time this would happen, I would grab my key and eventually would find myself going on a road trip with a seemingly non-existing destination. I dunno! I feel relieved doing such. And 4 days ago, I badly needed my pinkie car. Something happened that hopelessness suddenly struck me. I got no car here. I thought of getting a taxi to go anywhere, but this place is in peril, so I did not.

I find driving magical. I drive without knowing I create an experience out of it. Driving takes me to various places and unpremeditatedly spawns a journey.

By the way, me likey to learn how to drift. Who can teach me?

Petty details: I'm a barefoot driver.