Bewilderment

I feel like I've been riding on a roller coaster lately... A very fast roller coaster with several towering loops and has a super steep steel angle in the midst- that when it drops, my heart fumbles. There are moments that tickle me. Sometimes, it makes me nervous. Sometimes, I feel like crying. But mostly, this roller-coaster-ride-feeling scares the beejeezus out of me.

Random things have been unexpectedly happening to me, be it on my career or on a personal level. Someone asked me, "How do you feel? What is it?". I just answered, "You know it. You get me. Alam mo naman yun, 'di ba? 'Di ba? Balu mu naman ita." I wish I could provide much details about it, but I myself cannot explain how I feel. All I know is it affects me... Big time!

When the sun fills up my room and its ray beams down on the fleshy part of my face, my heart automatically chirks up. I feel happy. I feel inspired. I feel loved. But when stars start to form constellation, my mind starts to wonder that it eventually leads to bewilderment. I ditch these lonely puzzling nights most of the time and just utter "I'm fine with this". But I cannot be this for a long time. Time will come that I need to get out of this comfort zone. I need to decide. Which to choose... Where to go...

I am keeping my fingers crossed and hoping that this roller coaster is worth the ride.

Never Rush

I wanted to age so fast. I wanted to grow old at a rare of knots. I always wished, time would fly quickly. This was all because of selfish reasons.

When I was a kid, I wished to be a teenager quickly so I could use make up and hang out with friends. When I became a teenager, I wished to be a young adult quickly so I could go anywhere I want without receiving a "no" from my parents and earn money. Now that I am a young adult, I want time to crawl at a snail's pace.

As I began to age, I noticed that time does go by faster. How? Through my mama and papa's wrinkles on their smooth faces and their heads covered with some grey hair. I feel pain every time my eyes spot these. No, they are not weak. Their legs are still firm. Their eyes and vision are still clear. My father can still carry a sack of rice whereas mom can still do yoga with me. But there is something that scares me. It is when the time comes that only wheelchair can bring them to beautiful places instead of their legs... that cloudy and blurry places would be seen by their eyes, instead of green grasses and colorful rainbow... that they can no longer lift their hands to touch our bulbous cheeks.

I don't want to think about it. Believe me! But it is inevitable. I am frightened. Presently, papa is struggling with arthritis that makes it hard for him to fold his legs every time he prays (sallah). Recently, mama went through menopause which caused lack of hemoglobin. We rushed her to the hospital as she felt very weak. Mama was told that she has growing fibroid (Myoma). Seeing them suffering from pain terribly wounds my heart. If only pain could be shifted, I would snatch it.

My father is all set for retirement. He has been trying to resign but the company did not allow him. But this year, no one can stop him. His business in the Philippines is ready to operate anyway.

They are still strong. They can still see. They are still healthy. And I want them to be like this for a thousand years, not in a figurative way, but in a literal one. And I know this is far-fetched! I will just hope that time moves slowly. I don't mind if my parents will not allow me to hangout at far places. I don't care if I still need to ask permission for every action I do. I don't take offence at their strict parenting, all because I am still young, living with them. It is alright! Ayokong dumating yung panahon na gagala ako kasama ang mga kaibigan at hindi na kailangan magpaalam kasi wala na kong magulang. Ayoko ng ganon... Ayoko...

To each of you who wants time to fly fast, please do not. Let it crawl. Rejoice every second with your loved ones. Join every heartbeat you hear from their bosom. Remember, clocks go clockwise and not anti-clockwise. You can never turn back time!

Breathing Space

It has been a month since the last time I scribbled and doodled on this page. What have I been up to?

After ranting and ranting about the strain I got from work, I finally took one-month vacation in my homeland with the family. It was a leisure, indeed, but it was more of a reuniting-with-your-valued-ones episode. A month is too quick! It is just like staying at wonderland for a jiffy.

Prior to my vacation, I had long lists of where-to-go, what-to-do, and whom-to-meet. Some of these happened and some did not. Unexpected things even took place, which was great. So let us sift:

Where to go's:

1. I went to Hongkong for 2 days and to China for one day. The most unforgettable experience occurred at Disneyland.
2. I went to Ilocos Norte for the shooting of Kabayan Tambayan. This adventure turned me into Morena.
3. I went to Enchanted Kingdom for some woozy and dizzy rides.
4. I went to Baguio to see the picturesque tourists spots and to breathe cool fresh air.
5. I was not able to go to Boracay or El Nido or whatever beautiful beaches could be seen in the country.

What to do's:

1. I unexpectedly experienced water sports, like jet-ski and banana boat, at Pagudpud.
2. I joined the 1st Anniversary celebration of Kabayan Tambayan.
3. A tree-top adventure at Baguio.
4. I experienced going home late, at around 4-ish a.m., from Eastwood.
5. I did not have the time to do a shopping spree at Divisoria.

Whom to meet's:

1. Relatives are neighbors too. No need to set an appointment. Lol!
2. Had lunch with Super Friends.
3. Chilled with my chums from CEU Malolos, Makati, and Mendiola.
4. I personally met the crew of Kabayan Tambayan.
5. Had a workout session with my Rockwell gym-mates.
6. I was unable to visit my Alma Mater and my bosses from DZMM Aksyon Ngayon. I felt bad for Ma'am Alva invited me to visit CEU and Sir Zaldy asked me when I would see them.

This breathing space was short but several joyous moments were gathered. It even became more joyous as I spent time with good people. I promise, I will make it up to all my friends I did not see.

This one month vacay just took stress away from me, gave me motivation to continue working abroad, and boosted up the felicity of my soul. 'Til next time! :)

I Need To Stop

Spot the difference.

Inconsistent effort would not give you ripe fruits, only withered ones. Result is fine, but it does not look good on me.

Previously, I posted about my inconsistency in my staying-fit program. I stopped going to the gym the moment I got employed, but I do exercise at home. I actually bought a few equipment for some strength training. I've been working out since June 2012. I do not do the session regularly. I switched to brown rice in September. I think this routine is somehow effective. I gained weight but I became leaner. Trainers say, muscles are heavier than fats.

December 2012 | February 2013

But as everyone knows, I only want to flatten my abdomen. It is tough! Very tough, especially its lower part! My waistline used to be 29-inch. Now, it is 28. Yes, it is awful to know that I lost an inch in 10 months, when others get 6 packs.What's more disappointing is, my butt and breast got smaller. How do I look now? I consider myself a walking stick. Since no consistency exists, I look shriveled.

My parents want my pear-shaped body back. They love to see me with those bulgy cheeks and chubby arms. Unfortunately, I look like a withered pear hanging on the tree. You might be racking your brains and saying that I am too beauty-and-body conscious. Well, I am. I think I should be, everyone should. The main reason for continuously doing this is to achieve this certain dream. Yup! I need to be in shape for this dream and exercising is one of the keys.

Wrong execution, I believe. I just focused on the physical activity and did not give much attention to other factors, such as food consumption and sleep. This is the reason I did not get what I want. I was not able to reduce my lower abdomen, love handles, and bra bulges. My routine just leads to a pallid face, bruise on my knee, dark nape (from leg raise exercise), and tortuous veins on my hands and legs.

Tryna be cool?! Lol!

Dad jestingly says, "Annie, you look more beautiful without big biceps and triceps." Mom says, "What is the point of having a good physique, if your face looks way older than your age?" I reckon I need to cease this. My parents and this experience made me realize that a woman doesn't need to be skinny/sexy to be beautiful. And my dream? I know I will achieve it through a healthy lifestyle. As long as you are healthy, everything will glow, not only your beautiful face, but your life as well.

P.S. Apologies for the low quality of all pictures posted above.

Persist Until I Succeed

The oldie face

Drained, enervated, exhausted, stressed, pressured, tired, enfeebled... Whatever you call it... I'm on my last legs and ready to drop!

I mentioned on my previous blog how my life became routine. My life lazily starts at 6 am, I get off my butt in the office at 9 am, drive back home at 7 pm to munch my dinner, do some exercises at 9 pm, then head to my bed at 11 or 12. Well, I do have little leisure that I fill with my family and some friends, but what's lacking is the "Me Time".

My station

"Me time" is for yourself. It is when you unwind, indulge, and groom. Alas, I don't have it! Sure, this is the main reason why I look older than my age. Exercising is my sole Me-time. However, I stopped beautifying myself. I go to the office with an ordinary getup (I even wear home-clothing sometimes as it would only be covered with "abaya"). Maniped no longer exists because cutting nails is enough. My eyebrows are invading my forehead. I missed my laser underarm hair removal session as I feel lazy to visit the far-off clinic, instead I do plucking. I am tired from office work that makes me want to drift to bed and catch Zzzz's.

Sole me-time

@ Tokyo

Time management may be the best solution. But I do not think it would work on this desert kingdom. I need to be accompanied by my father to hit the parlor or gym for my safety, or else some jerky teenagers might grab me. But I cannot drag my father each time I want to go to these pampering places as he has job/errands too.

The I-look-older-than-my-age picture

I am under stress that I just want to scream sometimes. Unhappy, I am. I do not want to complain about my way of living because these are blessings from up above; my job, this place, this lifestyle. But sometimes, I can't help. All I can do is close my eyes, hear my heartbeat, and convince myself that this challenge is easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy. It is not only me who is struggling in this place. Actually, I am one of the luckiest folks here as I am employed and live with my whole family.

I have no idea how long this will take. Forever is possible here. But I hope not. I know each of these is helping me hone my future and be stable. There is no easy job anyway. And most of all, there is no easy way to success. I am just glad that God gave me family and friends who outweigh that any of dilemma I carry.

See my life lately with my stress relievers:

@ Tony Roma's

@ Steakhouse

with my TFC family @ home

with my kuya pinsan and tito's

my KT family

A little indulgence

with my high school BFF @ Pizza Company

The happy stressed face

Outrageous

Full of hopes and dreams,

Says yes to goodness, says no to depravity.

Hears the beat of the drummer,

That makes the heartbeat warmer.

Decrepit heart is entrapped.

Drumbeat is an abandoner.

Smokes dope, hails Mary Jane.

Kisses Jack Daniel for 24 hours straight.

Strips naked, runs in the hall.

Betroths to orgy... the dirtier, the merrier.

Skips school, gets the bullshite red mark.

Heads to Connecticut, fires little kids.

Robs a bank to watch Batman the movie,

Let the bullets fly inside the theatre.

Pothead hurts the bejeezus outta.

Damn that drumbeat!

Welcome to the outrageous world!
Soul is ready, soul will embrace it.

Half Stranger, Half Swain